Upward Falling
- Bailey
- May 25, 2015
- 4 min read
My mind can’t seem to line up with my heart.
Looking at this season with my mind’s eye, I see good things. I see good details falling into good places, bad school work winding down for good, and the end of a good era approaching. I see it, I know it, but I don’t feel it.
But when I look at the season with the eyes of my heart, I feel radical, beautiful things at the wonder of a good God. I feel unbridled joy at all the little miracles orchestrated, I feel intense freedom at the finality of tests and school work, I feel deep sadness at the end of this long era.
The problem is that seeing with my mind, with all its analytical, logical filters, means I miss the glory of it all. The even bigger problem is that seeing with my mind’s eye means that I am willingly not focusing on the state of my heart. I am not tending to it daily, soaking it in the Word, strengthening it with prayer.
Because when my heart is tended to, when I pay attention to the state it’s in and carve out time to do so, the veil is lifted.
The veil lifts this season that has been flying past my eyes in monochrome and monotone and reveals the vibrant, loud, and beautiful life that is right in front of my glazed over eyes. Keep your eyes open.
In retrospect, this season (of tests, willful stress, misplaced priorities) has been one of blindness. Not just “whoops, I wish I would’ve spent more time doing this or that,” but rather “oh my soul, why do I choose this again and again?” I’ve let weeks go by in which I willingly choose to carry my stress and anxiety around with me like I’m entitled to it. I spent those same weeks prioritizing apathy and stress above my relationship with Jesus and reality.
Those weeks are gone. I won’t ever get them back.
Eight days is too short and four years is too long and minutes fly by too fast for me to waste one second. The most of every moment must be made because I refuse to look back with regret.
The numbness of sensory overload is too much. At some point you have to succumb to the sadness or joy or anger or tears just to be honest with yourself and to stop trying so hard to be independent and strong.
I wrote the above a week or two ago, so totally overwhelmed by negative, evil energy that constantly weighed heavy on my heart.
Then God did what He loves to do. He reached down and swept me off my feet.
Find me here at Your feet again Everything I am, reaching out, I surrender Come sweep me up in Your love again And my soul will dance On the wings of forever
Taking me by the hand, He pulled me close and spun me around. Welled up, my eyes gazed into His like fire.
My heart beating, my soul breathing I found my life when I laid it down Upward falling, spirit soaring I touch the sky when my knees hit the ground
He reminds me who He is, who I am, how we got here. Pointing to His sovereign plan, He laughs with its perfection. I laugh with Him. How could I ever doubt? How could I ever worry even for a second?
What fortune lies beyond the stars Those dazzling heights too vast to climb I got so high to fall so far But I found heaven as love swept low
My prayer is that I constantly learn from my mistakes, even as I make the same ones over and over. And over and over.
Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you. Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you. James 4:7-8
Submitting means surrendering pride. Resisting means willful effort. Drawing near means spending a lot of time. None of these produces immediate fruit, and all of these, when ignored, are easily replaced by more immediately appealing and entertaining options.
What treasure waits within Your scars This gift of freedom gold can’t buy I bought the world and sold my heart You traded heaven to have me again
But what about grace? What about a love so big, I woke up this morning? What about mercy so constant, I am right now taking in air? What about being a child of God, unafraid, unashamed, unmoved?
Each of these and more calls for the highest praise and deepest devotion. Although never to be in debt, adequate response requires all I have to offer for eternity.
And avoiding prayer, ignoring the Word, justifying apathy, submitting to the world is never the correct response. I must drop to my knees, palms up, heart open, and soul singing, constantly at the radical awe of it all.
Jesus is my one thing. I forget how true that is until I stray so far. He traded heaven to have me, so I’ll trade my life over and over again to have Him.
most of the lyrics above are from Hillsong United’s Touch the Sky.
